


I'd die for you.

by thatmaleclove



Category: Real Person Fiction, Shadowhunters (TV), Shadowhunters (TV) RPF
Genre: Anxiety, Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Confusion, Crying, Emotional Roller Coaster, Falling In Love, Heartbreak, Holding Hands, Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, Love, M/M, Regret, Sexual Tension, Shumdario, Staring, Twisted and Fluffy Feelings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-22
Updated: 2017-09-07
Packaged: 2018-08-23 23:12:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,039
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8346487
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thatmaleclove/pseuds/thatmaleclove
Summary: Matthew looked over at Harry, his eyes evincing exasperation, anger and love and all Harry could do was to kill his own heart even more.





	1. Why do I feel like this? Pt.1

**Author's Note:**

> so hey! I'm new to all this but I promise I'll get used to it fast enough.
> 
> anyways, this is a shumdario or matt/harry fanfiction. I have no disrespect towards Harry's wife or Matt's girlfriend. I love them both but well it didn't stop me from making this. and yes they look perfect for each other. hope you enjoy!!! oh and this probably sucks btw lmao :)

Harry stared at his script again. His cheeks were still red and his heart was beating rapidly. He flipped to the third page where he and Matt were supposed to have a solemn conversation about their relationship which would lead to Matt pinning him to the wall which would then lead to them making out.

Harry was totally okay with kissing Matt but for some reason, he had this slight feeling of regret. He remembered the day when he and Matt had the first ever Malec kiss during Alec's wedding which Magnus interrupted just because he liked Alec the way he had never liked anyone else before. 

Harry smiled, his eyes gleaming as he thought of Matthew, the most perfect Alec Lightwood they could ever have. Matthew had been very extroverted when all of them first met and unexpectedly, Matthew reverted all his attention to Harry alone and had begun conversing with him about something related to cows or something but what Harry knew was that Matthew was one hilarious being. Moreover, he was pure and innocent and very attractive and both of them seemed happy together - very happy.

Harry still had his makeup on and they had just finished shooting episode twelve. And episode thirteen was when Magnus and Alec were supposed to kiss again. Maybe more than that but Harry could not figure. 

He took off his makeup, being as conscientious as possible. He did not wish to break anything like how he did the first day when he broke a decorated glass container that was fortunately, empty. Harry changed into his long sleeve white sweater and jeans before proceeding out of his trailer with his bag.

That was when he chanced upon Matthew, who obviously had just taken a bath. His hair was drenched and rivulets of water were trickling down his face. He looked somehow angelic. But Harry could clearly see the trepidation in Matt's eyes that he has had since the day they met. But at the same time, his eyes evinced joy, surprise and a hint of mystery. He quirked a smile at Matt and Matt grinned.

"Hey Harry. Going home?" enquired Matt as he observed Harry's face like he usually did. Harry blushed a little. 

"Yeah, I am. Are you?" asked Harry as calmly as he could. Matt chuckled and took hold of Harry's hand.

"Soon enough. I've gotta pack my bag. Do you wanna walk home with me?"

Harry's breath quickened.

"Sure, Matt. I'll...uhh...wait for you here," said Harry, his face lit-up as Matt bit his lip.

"You can come into my trailer if you want. You know you are always welcome right?"

Harry nodded. Actually, Matt had said that a while ago but Harry never got the time to. Well, he was shy to. What if Matt was working out and he just entered? There would be so much awkward tension in the atmosphere. 

Harry then followed Matt into his trailer.


	2. Why do I feel like this? Pt.2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry still questions why these feelings he has towards Matthew exist.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't expect people to actually read chapter 1 honestly. And by the way, I've actually written the whole chapter so this is just copying lmao
> 
> Hopefully, you guys enjoy this!!1!1! It's going to be a bit shorter. I promise the next one will be longer :)
> 
> I'm never going to create a good fanfic :( but I tried so well appreciate that I did my best

What he saw first were lamps - those very exquisite lamps you can find at the hotels - and there were photographs either pinned or pasted on the wall. There were pictures of him at the cow farm, him with his exuberant family, him with his sisters and there were even photos of the cast.

Harry was struck with awe. His trailer was amazing. And Harry thought it was rather romantic.

Harry smiled as he stumbled across a photo of them both on the wall, which was further away from the other photos and was surrounded by little blotches of glitter glued together to make minute star figures. Harry glanced at the now blushing Matt.

"Ahaha...yeah, I know. My artistic skills are horrible. I have never been good at being creative," said Matt as he played around with his fingers. Harry chuckled and shook his head. He looked into Matt's beautiful eyes, and his heart almost broke.

"That's not true, Matt. What you do makes me feel so...inspired. And...you're not terrible at all. You are one of the most extraordinary people I have ever met. And you never quit. I admire you for that," Harry said. Matt laughed and hugged Harry.

"Haha...Harry...you're everything."

Harry froze and abandoned himself to the hug. 

"I don't know what I'd do without you," Matt said, still not breaking the embrace.

And with that, Harry broke down inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please comment about your opinions and if you like it so far cuz in my opinion, I hate it.


	3. Little sweet things

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry thinks he may like Matthew more than just a friend. Maybe Matthew feels the same way. Or maybe not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I still don't think this fanfiction is going anywhere. 
> 
> Oh well, I don't give a damn :)
> 
> And I also think this chapter is still short lmao I'm sorry ;( I'm not good at all.

"You know...tonight's really peaceful..." Matt whispered as he gazed over at his shorter companion. Harry sighed. His head was hung low as a breeze of night wind blew toward their way. A look of concern crept onto Matt's face.

"Harry...is everything all right?" Harry nodded his head, now making eye contact with Matt.

"I was just thinking about how we portray our characters. Is it good enough?" Harry said and sighed once again.

"Harry, you are the perfect Magnus. You portray him so well and all of our fans love you. Okay...you're doing good," Matt said as he intertwined his fingers with Harry's.

Breathless for a moment, Harry tightened the grip.

"Remember when we first kissed? That day was...magical," Matt started, his eyes seemingly shining as the moonlight reflected on them.

"Of course, I do. I would never forget that day. Though everyone was literally freaking out the first time we did it. Alberto, Kat, and Eme couldn't contain themselves. And Dom...well, he was trying."

Matt laughed, his eyes glistening.

"They're awesome. Wow, how my life has changed when I got into this production. I will never ever regret it."

"You know another thing I don't regret?" Matt muttered as they stepped in front of Harry's apartment which was two doors away from Matt's apartment.

"What?" Harry wanted to know.

"Meeting you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please remember that this is only fiction. DO NOT send this to Harry and Matt or any of the cast and crew.Of course, you can share this with your friends xx


	4. He's not alright.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry just could not do it anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo lovelies! Ok that was awkward but aye ,, sorry for being vvv inactive :( And this chapter sucks ass.. Also,, it contains statements pertaining to depression and I just want to warn you if you are sensitive to these kind of things. I love you guys. And hopefully, I will be able to write longer chapters in the future. Until next time .-.

Harry could not take it anymore. Not this time. Especially not this time.

 

Matt was taking over his life. Every part and every aspect - and it pained him so much.

 

Seeing Matt, even catching his name in a conversation between co-star friends destroyed him in ways that he did not think was possible.

 

He just wanted everything to stop - the feelings had to. And Harry told himself that it was plausible if he just pretended and faked it and maybe, just maybe, the feelings, the pain will just fade away on its own. 

 

But of course, that was not the case. And he could not do it.

 

_ Is there even an escape to this nightmare _ , Harry kept pondering. The answer was probably a definite  **_no_ ** , though.

 

Harry could not think straight anymore. He was petrified. It was not because of the fact that he might not be straight - he was pretty certain that everyone would accept him, considering the fact that everyone he loved and cared for was supporters of the lgbt community, which made him very light-hearted. 

 

The  _ truth _ was that he was scared that Matt would not feel the same; that Matt would be utterly revolted by his confession; that Matt would not be his best friend anymore, let alone a  _ friend _ . And Harry could not imagine life without Matt - without the person who made him truly happy and contented - without the person who never made him feel solus. He just could not live with that.

 

“It’ll be okay, he’ll understand,” they said.

 

“It doesn’t matter if he does or doesn’t feel the same way,” they said.

 

“He doesn’t care. He loves you,” they said.

 

_ Voices in his head. _ They did not stop. They would never.

 

It was like a war inside his head. And it hurt.

 

Harry slept in all day. His energy was drained. His eyes could not stay open. He had to shoot multiple scenes that day - since the next episode was going to be more of a Magnus-centered one. He could not stand the tiredness and the despondence rising and reinforcing inside him. At times like this, he just felt like dying. He felt like slipping away. He did not care anymore.

 

Harry just wanted to be happy. But he also felt like he did not deserve it at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> rip me


	5. I'm just tired.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Harry's just tired of everything. And Matt's hella worried.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for being dead friends!! my writing skills have turned rusty so i apologize in advance for this piece of crap :) 
> 
> [TRIGGER WARNING!!! : mentions of depression, anxiety, suicide, etc.]

"Good morning, Sunshine!" Matt exclaimed, his eyes all wide and almost shining in delight at seeing his best friend. Harry almost flinched, he just couldn't do this. Not now.

 

"What's up, Matt? Everything good with ehm... your project thing?" Harry tried. Man, did he really try to contain his composure. He was now fiddling with the hem of his shirt.  _How do I get out of this?_  If only he knew. _Fuck it._

 

"What project thing? OH. Oh right. That one. It's going well, actually. I'm pretty impressed with how smooth the process is..." Matt says, not breaking eye contact with Harry. He was chuckling in between his lines too. Harry couldn't help but smile at Matt's adorableness. 

 

Matt's eyebrows furrowed and he wasn't beaming anymore. Harry was taken aback for a moment. _Um, what the hell just happened?_

"Harry, you okay? You look exceptionally tired today. Like really fucking tired. What's going on? Wanna talk about it?" Matt looked as if he was about to tear up. He was too... worried? Harry swallowed nervously and positioned himself as comfortably as it could get. I'm fine, he muttered out, immediately regretting what he said. 

 

"I mean... I'm tired. Just tired. You know? It's been rough. The average amount of sleep I get every day ranges from 3 to 4 hours, I mean-"  _Maybe I'll just vent it out for a bit. I won't get too far._

 

"Like, I love acting. I love portraying amazing and beautifully-written characters-bringing them to life. It's great. But with so much time being exhausted into all this work, I- I just don't have enough time for myself. And I don't know... I'm at my lowest point right now. I just. I just want to be okay? Like- like this sad, depressing shit just hits me in the face at the most random times and I can't fucking handle it. I need more time to myself. I need more time to think. To rest. To try and be happy, but I'll never be happy, will I?"  _Matt will understand, won't he?_

 

"I'm a mess. And with all this bullshit happening in my crappy ass life, **you** had to come in."  _I can't stop._

 

"YOU HAD TO FUCKING BARGE INTO MY LIFE LIKE THE FUCKING IDIOT THAT YOU ARE. YOU HAD TO RUIN MY LIFE. YOU HAD- you had to... I- fuck. I'm tired, Matt. Being in ' **love** '. I'm 35. 35 years old. Who at this fucking age falls in love? Me, apparently. Because technically, everyone in their 30's is either married or they've given up hope... for fuck's sake, I still have hope. I still have hope in finding that someone." _I'm being pathetic haha._

 

"It's sad. Pathetic. It hurts. But I'm used to it. It's just... I'm... **_I'm just tired_**." Harry had held his tears back for long enough now.

 

He took a few steps towards Matt, immediately sobbing into his chest unceasingly, hands clutching at the edges of the leather jacket Matt was wearing. Harry held him in silence, rocking him slowly as his tears soaked Matt's chest. Matt held Harry, embracing him as tightly as he could. A tiny lapse let Harry pull away, blinking lashes heavy with despondent tears, before he collapsed to the floor, his misery worsening. The pain must had come in waves, minutes of sobbing broken apart by short pauses for recovering breaths.

 

Matt was crying too. It pained him so fucking much to see his best friend like that. He kneeled down, allowing Harry to lean against him. _Harry, I'm here_..., Matt tries in-between sobs. Harry's eyelids were fluttering open and close. And then, he just... **blacked out**.

 

_Fuck. Harry?_

 

_He fell asleep?_

 

Matt wiped his tears away as nimbly as he could. He then took a moment to calm himself down but was instantly interrupted by Harry's _faint_ snoring sounds. He chuckled softly at how peaceful Harry now looked, carrying him into his arms and then placing him gently on the couch.

 

He planted a kiss on Harry's forehead, smiling slightly after. He sat on the smaller sofa right next to the couch.

 

_I'm in love with you too, Harry._

 

As he fell asleep too.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i m a l i v e

**Author's Note:**

> im sh00k


End file.
